Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
