you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
