who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
