im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
