it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
