you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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