Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I feel great
I just peed on a car
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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