im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
