Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My ATM looks so different sober.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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