I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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