people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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