Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
