You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
