remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
