mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
it's great music for shaving your balls
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
