Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
