well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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