I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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