Ambien. No doubt about it.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
