Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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