Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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