I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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