I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
