Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
