Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
