I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
