I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
