I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Less talking, more tequila
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I need a beard to bite.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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