Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
