Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
