guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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