It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
