my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
