Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
