Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
