My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
