Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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