so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
