You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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