She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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