Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
