A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
