I wish I could teleport
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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