I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
