I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
