I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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