new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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