I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
