Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
