Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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