did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
