I think i peed on brittanys purse
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
