can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
